Pet Show

Some friends of mine took in a pet show in Mississauga over the weekend and send me these pictures of some dogs that were there . I would like to share them with all the dog lovers in
N@land ....and I know there are quite a few of us . See if you can guess the breeds .

"It's the Time of the Season ..."

...for loving . " My little girl became a woman over the weekend . Not N@ ... my puppy is in her first heat . Karma is in season , ready to mate , reproduce , cycle of Proestrus , puberty , wag the tail ..whatever you care to call it . Apparently , a dog cycle lasts for 21 days twice a year . Whew . I have decided to delay her spaying not because I plan to have a litter but because the breeder suggests that a year to 15 months is a better option in order for her to develop her sexual hormones for female physical appearance and maturity . Karma is mentally and physically like a 9 year old girl right now . Not only that but there are facts pro and con that early spaying may lead to early incontinence in dogs . So far , it is no big deal . No male dogs are jumping over my fence , humping trees in the back yard or staring at us with lovesick eyes through the patio door. I start obedience class again next Monday night but the trainer told me not to worry about anything getting out of control . I am having these visions of a dog orgy and it being all my fault . She suggested a trip to the pet store to check out some dog Kotex. Excuse me . There is no way I am walking into that class with pink ruffled flowered doggy pull ups on my German Shepherd's hind end and that's final . A roll of paper towels will do just fine ...thank you very much . Love is in the air .

Somebunny Loves You

These are bunnies up for adoption at the Timmins and District Humane Society . It brought to mind how well meaning people give live pets as gifts and how most of them end up in shelters such as this one . Rabbits can live up to 12 years or more , chew a lot and need to be spayed and neutered . Care and maintenance is every day . Cute chicks grow quickly into fat hens and cranky roosters . ( I can hear Bobbycakes now ...) Ducklings belong on Old MacDonald's farm . Get my point people.
Any pet is a major responsibility and a commitment that requires daily dedication . If you wanna see farm animals go to a farm and if you wanna see exotic pets go to a zoo .It's easier and cheaper . If you need a wabbit for the kid ..go to Wallyworld and buy a stuffed toy . End of sermon . Happy Easter Monday .

This One's for the Girls

Eat your chocolate out Willy Wonka .

Good Friday

Easter weekend will be a quiet one for most of the north as we cocoon ourselves from the final blasts of winter weather. The roads are treacherous and even the dog prefers to watch the white world from the warmth of the indoors , content to nap and lay by my side.
Warmer weather and sunshine is predicted by Monday . Hope . Promise . Blessings. Renewal . Resurrection . Not such a bad weekend after all . Happy Easter everyone.

April 5, 2007

The morning after the day before .
You just cannot fool around with Mother Nature . Our April storm left us with over 20 cm of snow and more to come tonight. Wind gusts and poor visibility closed all highways leading in and out of the city . Airlines and buses never left for their destinations . The city of Timmins was virtually landlocked .
This wintry reminder will continue all Easter weekend . We have more snow than we had in the months of January , February and March of this year . One consolation for me is that for this storm I am not high in the clouds somewhere over Toronto...........and it's good COFFEE weather . Drive safely.

Spring Snow

April fooled again by old man winter . We are being belted with snow this morning as I type and spring is once again put back on the shelf for another day . It is currently minus 13 with the wind chill and we are expecting 20 cm of white stuff . The red warning is on the weather channel . Gusting winds and low visibility . Lovely . It happens every year in the north but we never seem to get used to it . We pack away our boots and coats , put away the shovels , take off our snow tires and check our spring wardrobe out . We have our summer chairs on our decks and clean our barbeques only to find them buried in the dreaded snow again . Happens every year . Reality check . It is not a tsunami and I am not homeless . It is not a fire out of control or a hurricane blowing my roof off . Just a little snow that's gonna melt . Okay I feel better .

My Paper Shredder

Paper boxes . Newspapers . Kleenex . Toilet paper . Bounce dryer paper. Magazine pages . Loose leaf paper . Paper towels . Paper bags . Wrapping paper . Paper cups. If it is made of paper then Karma will make sure it is shredded faster than any mechanical paper shredder I have seen . Although I have tried my best to catch her in the act before she spies her paper treasure , she always manages to do the dastardly deed leaving behind a trail of paper bits and pieces down the hallway within seconds . Her head is always in a paper basket somewhere sniffing for her loot . I am hoping this is just a stage she is going through and not a life long paper fetish. One night she ran to the door to greet a guest . Happy , tail waggin' , lovable Karma with a used panty liner stuck to her forehead . I wish I had my camera for that embarrassing moment . I just have to think on the bright side ...that Karma is doing her part for the environmental waste problem .

Belly Fulla Nelly

I have just about had enough of Nelly Furtado as my gut can take after watching her soar over the Juno awards like a disorientated raven ( see post below ) . I don't know what it is that I don't like about her . I just don't . It could be that her upper lip is a little too close to her nose for my liking . I am sure she did not mean her top selling song as an inspirational tune for "promiscuous " girls . Sorry Nelly , you just annoy me .... and why in Saskatoonie did you not wear a warm coat in your opening interview . This is not L.A. baby. One a positive note ( and not a musical one ) , you did make me laugh in your skit with Michael Booby.

Ravens

The are always the first birds I see on my morning walks with Karma . She wants to chase them but I pull her back as we continue along the pavement . The ravens circle in the gray clouds tormenting us with their endless screeching to one another . They grovel in the grass and pick about the garbage in a black madness to have the first deteriorating morsel . They hunt to feed and find a nesting partner . They sit on the hydro poles and hover in the trees watching us like we are their prey for the day . They stare at us with hungry eyes ...ebony masters of the street . I once saw them clean a dead squirrel off the pavement like it had never existed . Ravens are known for their intelligence and size . These scavengers of the sky have been around for thousands of years . Is it any wonder Edgar Allan Poe immortalized them in a poem . Karma and I hurry our pace as the drizzle begins and I think aloud .."where are the happy birds of spring ... the robins , sparrows and wild canaries ? "
"Quoth the raven ,'Nevermore '."
Happy April First !

Mean Kitty

Mean Kitty lasted about a week . Cammy Camel less than that and Ellie Elephant busted her fluff almost immediately . I am in search of a plush doggy toy that my pup's chompers won't shred for at least a month . Besides that the financial aspect of it all is peeving me off although I do realize it's way less expensive than replacing a sofa . Karma loves to chew and she demolishes Busy Bone in 15 minutes or less and Healthy Edibles in seconds . Kong ( not King ) is only her favourite when it has a cheez whiz surprise inside it . I give her one raw bone every day on the advice of my breeder even though it grosses me out . She is also a digger and likes to hide her stock . Ma's golf course should be ready by June . Feel free to leave me any advice while I leave for the pet store once again . Grrrrrrrrrr........

Thought for the Day

Sometimes ...when you cry ...no one sees your tears ...

Sometimes ...when you are worried ... no one sees your pain ...

Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ...

But fart just one time ...

Call Me Juice Newton

Who the heck would call their kid "Juice " anyways ? JB wins a glass of Ma's homemade juice goof . I love this freakin' machine . I have been squishing apples , carrots , celery , beets , oranges , spinach and drinking my own version of love potion # 9 every morning . It's entertaining to watch too and clean up is a snap . Speaking of cleaning up , the extra fibre is doing it's job in that department too . Can't call me an uptight old broad anymore . La la la la la love it !

Whatizit ?

a) Ma's new ice cream making machine

b) A penis enlarger ( oops can I say that ..oh right , it is my site )

c) A futuristic pooper scooper

d) The Stanley Cup

e) none of the above

"... and They Called It Puppy Love ..."

Spring is for puppies too . Imagine not one , not two , but three puppies all at one time . We visited a friend last week who has welcomed three Golden Retriever puppies into their family . Meet Chloe , Xander , and JJ . They are blonde , cute, lovable , and quite the handful. James is the 12 year old male who has taken to puppy sitting his brood of triplets . They are beautiful puppies with sweet dispositions and are with a people family that will love and care for them forever. Now that's what I call puppy love ....and lotsa work !

Beautiful , Beautiful , Brown Ears

I saw something today I wish I had never seen . This afternoon I was taking care of True while my daughter worked . Her dog has a case of panostetis , a traveling arthritis that happens sometimes in rapidly growing large dogs . He will outgrow it but for now she must limit his exercise for a little while . I had him on the leash with me while we enjoyed the afternoon sunshine in her backyard . Molly was next door . She is a cute Basset Hound that is smaller than the norm and is about the same age as our pups . She stood watching us proudly overlooking her latest stool delivery . Then she bent her lovely head down and ate three quarters of her sh** , her long velvet brown ears dipping over the entire mess . Is it just me or are more and more dogs eating their own poop ? I called her name and she gave me back a small howl as if to say "..well if you read the news lady , this is safer to eat then our own dog food these days ." I cannot argue with that fact . Don't get me wrong . Molly is a sweetheart . I am sure she has many better attributes besides being a feces eating, spotted pork link . Before I left she had literally cleaned up her act and gave me a one final look at her hind end , clean as a whistle , just like the yard . Now I know why .

It's Here

I can smell it . It's moving ever so slowly underneath the dirty snow . It's in the snap of the melting ice and the rushing of the water to the culverts. It's in the prance of my dog as she sees objects and sounds all new to her . It's in the scent of dead grass and chalk like feces left irresponsibly behind . It's in the sand on the road and the forgotten salt on the cars . It's in the sky as the birds circle and call over to each other for their timeless ritual . It's in the laughing eyes of the neighborhood kids with new skipping ropes . It's in the whoosh of the bicycles racing by you . It's in the surprise of a red tulip braving the chill of the morning air . It's in the glass being windexed to let the light shine in after the frost . It's in the smile of the people you pass who are eager to walk in the hope of a new day . It's Spring ..and it's here ...finally .

Spring is for Babies ...

.... even old ones . I actually remember that day though I was barely 3 years old at the time . My parents took my older brother and I to my grandmother's house to get our pictures taken . In later years , I recall my mother telling me that my little skirt was sewn from an old woolen plaid scarf and she kept the little pink sweater for years after I had outgrew it . She would painstakingly put my straight fine hair into pin curls and make faces to get me smiling for the camera . I had the kind of chubby cheeks that every relative thought was fun to pull and koochy koo ... still do...some things you never out grow .

Smile , Feel Good and Be Happy Pictures

By special request , the beautiful , blue angel eyes of Jaden . There are just some photos that need no words to express the wonder , joy and innocence of childhood . I held this baby in my arms on the day of her birth over a year ago and all the memories of my own babies came flooding back . If only Time had a speed limit on happy moments . She is a delight to all who have the good fortune to meet her and she is truly loved by her very special parents and family . I picture her gracing the cover of a major magazine one day and saying ..." I knew her when ..."

Hairaphy

My name is Ma and I am a shampooaholic . My latest purchase was Sunsilk liquid gold to get rid of the flats . The bright yellow bottle joins the rest of my sacred collection of shampoos for volumizing , taming , texurizing and curling . Mousses are a close second in the hair perfection game . I admit I am a sucker for hair marketing strategies . I have Pantened , Vivaed , Doved , Herbal Essenced , (highly over rated in the shower ) , Aussied , Infusiumed , Wellaed , La Couped , Hair and Maned my head hoping for something I will never have .... thick , curly hair . My daughter and my sister both have brave new haircuts . Every time I think about changing my classic Diane Keaton look into something new and different there is always somebody on the exact week of my next hair cut who will casually remark how much they like my hair . Friggin' follicles .. I have done the poodle , the Farah , the dutch boy , the too blonde , the mousey blonde , and the highlighted blonde . The last few years as I become more indecisive I am blonde , redhead and brunette . Call me schizophrenihair . So here is the question . Help Ma find a new look and win a date with one of Ottawa's most eligible bachelors to a one and half star eatery ( drinks not included ) .
What should I do with my hair ?

"When Irish Eyes are Smiling

...Sure 'tis like a morn in Spring . " It seems on St .Patricks Day we all have a bit of the Irish in us . Somewhere in my family tree sits some red nosed Irishman joking with his pub pals , throwing back a pint of Guinness and singing Danny Boy 'from glen to glen and down the mountainside' ...and that's no blarney . This must be why green is my favourite colour and why nothing can make me feel better inside than a shamrocking good laugh . One of the most beautiful pair of smiling eyes I have ever seen shine from my adopted grandaughter Jaden .
" In the lilt of Irish laughter
You can hear the angels sing
When Irish hearts are happy
All the world seems bright and gay
And when Irish eyes are smiling
Sure they steal your heart away."

One Big Smile

My daughter Dawn said something to me the other day that is so appropriate . She said " Mom , whenever I think of Karma , I think of one big smile ". As I watch my puppy learn and grow into this beautiful and intelligent breed I know more then ever why she was meant to be with me . Her size will be as large as her faithful heart and I love her more each day .

Our Fellow Graduates

CONGRATULATIONS ! Let's all go out and roll in the dirt and think spring .

Graduation Night

Monday night Karma and True received their certificates for novice obedience . Just seems like yesterday they were peeing on the floor and chasing their tails . My proud Daddy came to watch. He brought a pocketful of doggy treats for the grads , forgetting how sense of smell is number uno in the canine world and nearly ended up in a dog avalanche . Everything went well because the dogs were tested separately until the last event when we were together for the long sit and stay and long down . True saw his sister and cried like a baby and Karma broke her stays to see what her big brother was upset over . So we lost a few points because of sibling love . Big deal . We were proud mommies and our dogs love everybody and have amazing loving personalites . The snarly cocker may have won top dog but in the real world we are the winners . We plan to sign up again to fine tune our skills and help to make our dogs good canine citizens . I encourage anyone with a dog to take a course like this . It's a great night out , fun , and it trains you to be a responsible pet owner with an obedient and well soclialized dog .

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Ma

Thank you all for your missin' Ma messages . What you don't know is that you could have been missing me permanently if not for the angel on the wing of my plane . Let me first say that I am not one to enjoy flying but I do it because it is the only mode of transport to get you somewhere quickly and I have travelled to many wonderful places I would never have seen without airplanes . This year due to the fact I do not have a valid passport as of yet , travel to any hot resort was out of the question , so I made a spur of moment decision to head west . I left March 1st on a bright and sunny , clear day for Toronto to make my connection . If you have read the news you will know that Pearson was shut down due to a bad weather from the western provinces on that day . There I was on a full passenger Jazz with turbulence to make you sick and nothing to look at but white nothingness . I thought for sure it was my death day . .. and I don't think I was the only passenger with those thoughts . After circling what seemed forever the pilot announced we were running out of fuel and that he had to divert us to either Chicago or Kingston .
Twenty anxious minutes later I found myself stranded in the city of Kingston . First time this has ever happened to me on any vacation . Air Canada's offer was to refuel and send you back to Timmins with no flights out until the Monday . One lady chose that because she was feeling sick ( although I do recall she was eating a big pizza ) . So I had to make a choice , to rent a van with six British men and head back into the storm and for the airport or rent a room in Kingston and make alternative plans . I chose the latter along with 2 other women who were headed for Toronto and they chose a hotel for us because they knew the area . The Radisson was a nice place near the water and any other time I might have enjoyed the view . We ate together at the Keg ( grilled salmon and wine ) and shared our stories of life and family . Strangers became friends and we laughed about our situation and hoped the day would bring a travel solution and the weather behave for a while . They had a lap top and helped me to find another way out while they took Via Rail . I never saw them in the morning but left my business card for Chris and Jackie and hoped they made it back home safely . As for me .... I flew into the eye of the storm and made it through to write this post .

I love Ellen

I have always loved Ellen from her early stand up days to her controversial coming out sitcom . She is funny and down to earth , witty and gay and happy and if I ever decided to change teams , it would be with Ellen . Her talk show is one of my favourite light moments of the day . Once I even emailed her site to tell her I was a fan and that she reminded me of my own funny kid N@ . So last night sitting in my jammies watching the Oscars I felt like Ellen's Mom and I was proud she was hosting the biggest award show of the year . She is never lewd or rude . Her suits were so her and one has to admire her flair for dancing and love of dogs . Personally I think the word gay is a great word and Ellen is a one of a kind great gay woman .

The Ice Man Cometh

This natural ice formation was found in my back yard and I wanted to share it with all of N@land . Milky will be green with envy that I captured such glacial artwork and Bobbycakes will be envious for other reasons .

My Gift

I am so lucky . For those of you who may or may not know I am a hearing impaired person and have had a hearing aid since the age of 28 . It is a heredity thing in my paternal family tree , my father , my grandmother.. and I have passed that lucky gene onto my youngest daughter . I have never really considered it a true handicap because putting things in perspective there are far worse things in this life . You learn to adapt to your quiet world and actually come to enjoy the peacefulness of less sound . I have learned to see the humour in many situations when I have heard the wrong word . Believe me when I say that missing that one consonant in a word can get you in a ton of trouble sometimes . Over the years my television has its closed caption on everyday and music is all new to me with my headset and CD player . My audiologist finally convinced me that with the advent of digital sound I should upgrade my old hearing aid . Today I did that . I am hearing the beeps on my microwave . I heard someone knocking on my father's apartment door through my telephone . I hear the cat meow from another room . I hear the hum of the refrigerator and the whoosh of air through the heating vents . Unlike all of you when I am tired of all these things I have the option of removing this amazing piece of technology and get a good night's sleep . Yep , I am the lucky one .

The Colour Purple

I am not good with colours . When I dress it is monochromatically . From Friday after Friday of watching What Not To Wear I have learned that I am far too matchy matchy . Boring beige is my middle name . So when my oldest daughter told me that purple and orange went together I thought she was losing her sense of style . One day old cranky ass sat on my bathroom mat and I saw the road to colour freedom . Orange and purple do match . All hail King Redford .

Miracle Whip On 34th Street

Okay so it was really low fat mayonnaise and there was no 34th street . Let me explain . My sister ( God bless her ) is always looking for new ways and products to help our skin look 12 again . The other day she sent me this homemade recipe to eliminate the crows that are blatantly strutting around our eye area . It calls for Kraft Miracle Whip slathered over your face , left on for 10 minutes , then you massage it in small circles and it exfoliates and , according to her , leaves you with younger , glowing skin . Last night I gave it a try . I subsituted low fat mayo for the original KMW and followed her instructions . No sooner had I done the deed when Karma followed her nose . Strong on the scent of vinegar , she spotted me , jumped up and washed me down like a macaroni salad . Feeling like a dog buffet , I went to the sink and decided that dog drool and mayo did nothing for my complexion . In fact , I looked like I had been in the Dominican for a month without sunscreen. I mean ruby RED ! Panicing , I called my sister who insisted that my skin was called glowing and not red . I had another word for it - irritated . In between her laughter she said and I quote " .. so I suppose this means you are not interested in the mashed banana moisturizing mask ? " I have decided to eat my food and not wear it .

La Creme de la Creme

I only met him once but he was warm and funny and made me feel welcome . He is our very own Milky who had a birthday recently and never told his virtual family . If you ever have the time to peruse our Milkman's site you will find a wealth of photography that will portray the many talents of this man . So hope you had a wonderful day my friend ....dam I am getting so nice in my old age .

The 4 Way Top

If you read my last post on nautical fashion you will know I mentioned my friend's 4 way top . It is not easy to describe this but I am going to try to give you the visual . First think of a famous designer lost in the jungles of Africa who decides to make a fortune on a unique top for women who spill a lot . The famous 4 way is sleeveless for simplicity because most women do not have 4 arms.. although most men have 8 hands. One side of it has a leopard pattern and the back is zebra striped . Okay so you spill your Bloody Mary and the 8 handed man turfs his brew on your backside ..no problem . You run to the can , turn the top inside out and ..voila .. one side is now titillating tiger and the other is a come hither cheetah .The What Not To Wear staff would love this one. Gives whole new meaning to the term - cougar on the prowl .

Anchors Away

I don't care . I don't care that the nautical theme is back again for spring in women's fashion. Why do designers think that all women want to look like sailors the moment the ice breaks . It's not that I do not appreciate navy and white . I do . I learned a long time ago that horizontal stripes belong in Alcatraz and anchors should be dumped in the ocean and not on our bodies .Which brings to mind a friend of mine ( and she knows who she is ) who has a cute little seersucker capri outfit with cute little anchors and cute little stripes . Her loving sister gives her all her old designer clothing . Some of it is hot and some it should have sank with the Titanic .When I saw her in the sailor gear I wanted to yell *woman overboard * , batten down the hatches and throw her a buoy . Instead I navigated her into a safe port - the What Not To Wear show . We watch it religiously hoping against hope that we never see dynasty shoulders again or dolman sleeves . No sooner had I got her out of high waisted , straight leg jeans when the denim-demi gods brought them back again . Being in style is hard work ..I am out when in is in and in when in is out . I am currently working on my sailor girl's leopard in heat jungle look . She has this 4 way top ..but that's a entirely new post.

I Just Called To Say...

.....I love you ! Happy Valentines Day N@tland .
XOXO Ma

Willy

Willy is not a weasel nor any part of NGB'S anatomy . Willy is a Jack Russell Terrier belonging to a friend of mine at dog obedience class . He is the cutest little guy and reminds me of a minature billy goat . His owner says he is really bad but as most dog owners know bad ususally means very active as most terriers are . In fact , the Great Dane in our class would make a better apartment dog than Willy would . I always loved the JRT on Frasier . Eddie ( or Moose ) was a rag to riches story and lived to the ripe old age of 16 . Dogs never know how big or small they are ...what age or colour . Means nothing to them if they have a fancy pedigree or a Paris Hilton collar. They just ARE ... and they accept . We can learn so much about being human from them .

Monday Reinactment

Ma : " Karmaaaaaa...... ..time for doggy class . "
Karma : " ..drat ..that woman ..... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. "

Stop Eating Poop

..and we have a winner ! Our own loveable CQ has won an all sexpenses paid trip with NGB to the carribbean ( ..so think positive ) . S.E.P. stands for STOP EATING POOP . I did not even know what that product was until yesterday and let me say upfront that it is not my sweet Karma who is doing the nasty but her- poo breathed brother True ( that's true ) .You could say he likes to clean up after himself . My daughter sprinkles S.E.P. , a holistic supplement on his food , in hopes that it will cure him of his outside eating habits . Sweet little Karma in all her innocence , has more of a tasteful preference for feline chocolates to her own .

Clue # 1

S.E.P. is doggy related . See post below if you dont get this ...and where are my lurkers ??

S.E.P.

This is a test . Who of you out there knows what those initials stand for ? Winner wins an all sexpenses paid trip to the DR ( stands for what ? ) with NGB ( stands for what ? ) .
M.H.
PS. RSVP ASAP

49er

Happy Belated Birthday to my Bobbycakes ! May you have a happy and successful year before you hit the home . Because I think you are sweeter than sponge candy , I have taken the liberty of sending a picture of you in your birthday suit , slightly air brushed , to the pro -aging Dove campaign for males in media .
49 candles and counting ....

Nasty Black Cocker

Now that I have your attention , I do not mean a late night movie . I am referring to the nasty black cocker spaniel that Karma and I followed during dog obedience tonight. The little instigator was constantly turning around and snarling at us . Karma is very laid back for a shepherd although I showed my teeth a couple of times to the little floppy eared monster . The owner of said nasty cocker decided to move to another area instead of doing a correction to the mutt making it seem like we had bad doggy odour . Aside from that , it was our lucky night as there were plenty of down commands and Karma just loves to lay down and catch a few winks . She is fast asleep now in doggy dreamland as I type this . I really have nothing against spaniels . I have known some really nice ones . If I had a cocker I would probably call it Joe ... Joe Cocker . .. Bonus . Nobody had to poop and scoop tonight .

These Crocs Are Made For Walking

..and that's just what they'll do . So if you actually READ my posts instead of just looking at the pictures , you will recall my take on Elton's Crocodile Rock song .The local foot doctor suggested I buy myself some crocs and use them as slippers because apparently , unlike the rest of me , my feet are flat and sans a proper arch . Although I feel like I have Daisy Duck feet , I have to tell you that these things are fugly but awesome . There were tons of colours but I bought the ones that matched my skin tone ..kind of a bronzed Barbie Big foot . They look heavy but are lightweight and they don't slip on hardwood . I LOVE my crocs ..are you ready crocs ? Start walkin'......