Ma's Christmas Morning Meltdown

I lost it at approximately 10:15 Christmas morning Eastern Standard Time. I lost it and I blame Oprah for it. Let me backtrack. I like to be organized , and I was. The house looked festive. The gifts were all bought and wrapped. All the extra food necessities were in the cupboard. I had printed off the cornbread, vegetarian stuffing recipe for Dawn recommended by Oprah instead of the sausage stuffing. The bird had been defrosting for 2 days in the refrigerator downstairs as per the health guidelines. The turnip and potatoes were prechopped in cold water the day before. I had made my list and checked it twice. All was well.
I woke up rested and ready for Christmas Day feeling prepared for the annual holiday dinner. There would be no nuking today. I relaxed , had my coffee, and fed the dogs. I was ready for Oprah's recipe. It was fairly simple to do, a little chopping, and it would be in the oven for 45 min at 350 in plenty of time for the turkey around 11am . Let the games begin. Rereading the recipe , I noted the ingredients were maxed on the plus side. Getting my chopper out , I thought to myself no wonder Oprah is gaining weight. Two minutes into the chopping , the chopper broke. Not a problem . Get the knife out. I had plenty of time. Chop.Chop.Chop. Lots of carrots in this stuffing. Chop. Chop. Wizzy was barking for a treat so I threw him a teeny piece of carrot . Healthy for growing puppies. Chop.Chop. Next came the celery. Stalks up. There were plenty of those too. Wish the chopper had not broken . Chop. Chop. Onions. Sliced . I should have halved this recipe. Watching the clock. Continued chopping and slicing. Wine ? I needed a cup of white wine. Found the bottle . Got out the wine opening gadget . Threw Wiz another a piece of carrot. Opened the bottle . Measured and poured . Resisted the wine taste temptation. Wizzy barking . Threw the little bastard a carrot. Got out my pan to saute the veggies. Turned the stove on. Added my ingredients. The pan was too small and ended up in the sink . Found a larger pan. Barking. Threw some carrots on the floor . Sauted the rest . Four cups of broth ? In the cupboard. Checking the time, I knew I needed this stuffing in the oven pronto. Hurry it up. Spice it up. Read , read. Chop, chop, saute and bark. Wizzy shutup .
I needed a cup of orange juice . How will all this liquid ever absorb? Oprah must have drank that bottle of wine . I debated that same thought. Pushing Wiz off my slipper, I reached for the orange juice . That is when it happened. In slow movie motion the box of Tropicana fell over. It poured onto the glass shelving. The orange juice flooded the food below like orange lava.
And it fell over me ...over my hair, my new gray , satin , la Senza jammies , down my top , in my pants , my slippers, onto Wizzy and the clean Christmas floor.
The phone rang . It was N@. "Merry Christmas Mama !" .
That is precisely when I lost it. I cried . I laughed . I cried again. Uncontrollably. I was juiced, sticky from head to toe. Between sobs, I explained. N@ kindly understood the stuffing saga and agreed to call later on that night.
Things did eventually right themselves . After all, it was the happiest time of the year. The kitchen got cleaned up . The stuffing for 50 servings and the turkey made it into the oven in time for Christmas dinner.
I showered ....and no one even knew about the acid rash on my chest.
The lesson learned: Be prepared for the unexpected and most importantly , what I know for sure ... always opt to drink the wine.