Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Spring is for Babies ...


.... even old ones . I actually remember that day though I was barely 3 years old at the time . My parents took my older brother and I to my grandmother's house to get our pictures taken . In later years , I recall my mother telling me that my little skirt was sewn from an old woolen plaid scarf and she kept the little pink sweater for years after I had outgrew it . She would painstakingly put my straight fine hair into pin curls and make faces to get me smiling for the camera . I had the kind of chubby cheeks that every relative thought was fun to pull and koochy koo ... still do...some things you never out grow .

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Smile , Feel Good and Be Happy Pictures






By special request , the beautiful , blue angel eyes of Jaden . There are just some photos that need no words to express the wonder , joy and innocence of childhood . I held this baby in my arms on the day of her birth over a year ago and all the memories of my own babies came flooding back . If only Time had a speed limit on happy moments . She is a delight to all who have the good fortune to meet her and she is truly loved by her very special parents and family . I picture her gracing the cover of a major magazine one day and saying ..." I knew her when ..."

Monday, March 19, 2007

Hairaphy

My name is Ma and I am a shampooaholic . My latest purchase was Sunsilk liquid gold to get rid of the flats . The bright yellow bottle joins the rest of my sacred collection of shampoos for volumizing , taming , texurizing and curling . Mousses are a close second in the hair perfection game . I admit I am a sucker for hair marketing strategies . I have Pantened , Vivaed , Doved , Herbal Essenced , (highly over rated in the shower ) , Aussied , Infusiumed , Wellaed , La Couped , Hair and Maned my head hoping for something I will never have .... thick , curly hair . My daughter and my sister both have brave new haircuts . Every time I think about changing my classic Diane Keaton look into something new and different there is always somebody on the exact week of my next hair cut who will casually remark how much they like my hair . Friggin' follicles .. I have done the poodle , the Farah , the dutch boy , the too blonde , the mousey blonde , and the highlighted blonde . The last few years as I become more indecisive I am blonde , redhead and brunette . Call me schizophrenihair . So here is the question . Help Ma find a new look and win a date with one of Ottawa's most eligible bachelors to a one and half star eatery ( drinks not included ) .
What should I do with my hair ?

Saturday, March 17, 2007

"When Irish Eyes are Smiling


...Sure 'tis like a morn in Spring . " It seems on St .Patricks Day we all have a bit of the Irish in us . Somewhere in my family tree sits some red nosed Irishman joking with his pub pals , throwing back a pint of Guinness and singing Danny Boy 'from glen to glen and down the mountainside' ...and that's no blarney . This must be why green is my favourite colour and why nothing can make me feel better inside than a shamrocking good laugh . One of the most beautiful pair of smiling eyes I have ever seen shine from my adopted grandaughter Jaden .
" In the lilt of Irish laughter
You can hear the angels sing
When Irish hearts are happy
All the world seems bright and gay
And when Irish eyes are smiling
Sure they steal your heart away."

Thursday, March 15, 2007

One Big Smile

My daughter Dawn said something to me the other day that is so appropriate . She said " Mom , whenever I think of Karma , I think of one big smile ". As I watch my puppy learn and grow into this beautiful and intelligent breed I know more then ever why she was meant to be with me . Her size will be as large as her faithful heart and I love her more each day .

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Our Fellow Graduates






CONGRATULATIONS ! Let's all go out and roll in the dirt and think spring .

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Graduation Night





Monday night Karma and True received their certificates for novice obedience . Just seems like yesterday they were peeing on the floor and chasing their tails . My proud Daddy came to watch. He brought a pocketful of doggy treats for the grads , forgetting how sense of smell is number uno in the canine world and nearly ended up in a dog avalanche . Everything went well because the dogs were tested separately until the last event when we were together for the long sit and stay and long down . True saw his sister and cried like a baby and Karma broke her stays to see what her big brother was upset over . So we lost a few points because of sibling love . Big deal . We were proud mommies and our dogs love everybody and have amazing loving personalites . The snarly cocker may have won top dog but in the real world we are the winners . We plan to sign up again to fine tune our skills and help to make our dogs good canine citizens . I encourage anyone with a dog to take a course like this . It's a great night out , fun , and it trains you to be a responsible pet owner with an obedient and well soclialized dog .

Monday, March 12, 2007

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Ma


Thank you all for your missin' Ma messages . What you don't know is that you could have been missing me permanently if not for the angel on the wing of my plane . Let me first say that I am not one to enjoy flying but I do it because it is the only mode of transport to get you somewhere quickly and I have travelled to many wonderful places I would never have seen without airplanes . This year due to the fact I do not have a valid passport as of yet , travel to any hot resort was out of the question , so I made a spur of moment decision to head west . I left March 1st on a bright and sunny , clear day for Toronto to make my connection . If you have read the news you will know that Pearson was shut down due to a bad weather from the western provinces on that day . There I was on a full passenger Jazz with turbulence to make you sick and nothing to look at but white nothingness . I thought for sure it was my death day . .. and I don't think I was the only passenger with those thoughts . After circling what seemed forever the pilot announced we were running out of fuel and that he had to divert us to either Chicago or Kingston .
Twenty anxious minutes later I found myself stranded in the city of Kingston . First time this has ever happened to me on any vacation . Air Canada's offer was to refuel and send you back to Timmins with no flights out until the Monday . One lady chose that because she was feeling sick ( although I do recall she was eating a big pizza ) . So I had to make a choice , to rent a van with six British men and head back into the storm and for the airport or rent a room in Kingston and make alternative plans . I chose the latter along with 2 other women who were headed for Toronto and they chose a hotel for us because they knew the area . The Radisson was a nice place near the water and any other time I might have enjoyed the view . We ate together at the Keg ( grilled salmon and wine ) and shared our stories of life and family . Strangers became friends and we laughed about our situation and hoped the day would bring a travel solution and the weather behave for a while . They had a lap top and helped me to find another way out while they took Via Rail . I never saw them in the morning but left my business card for Chris and Jackie and hoped they made it back home safely . As for me .... I flew into the eye of the storm and made it through to write this post .

Monday, February 26, 2007

I love Ellen

I have always loved Ellen from her early stand up days to her controversial coming out sitcom . She is funny and down to earth , witty and gay and happy and if I ever decided to change teams , it would be with Ellen . Her talk show is one of my favourite light moments of the day . Once I even emailed her site to tell her I was a fan and that she reminded me of my own funny kid N@ . So last night sitting in my jammies watching the Oscars I felt like Ellen's Mom and I was proud she was hosting the biggest award show of the year . She is never lewd or rude . Her suits were so her and one has to admire her flair for dancing and love of dogs . Personally I think the word gay is a great word and Ellen is a one of a kind great gay woman .

Saturday, February 24, 2007

The Ice Man Cometh



This natural ice formation was found in my back yard and I wanted to share it with all of N@land . Milky will be green with envy that I captured such glacial artwork and Bobbycakes will be envious for other reasons .

Thursday, February 22, 2007

My Gift

I am so lucky . For those of you who may or may not know I am a hearing impaired person and have had a hearing aid since the age of 28 . It is a heredity thing in my paternal family tree , my father , my grandmother.. and I have passed that lucky gene onto my youngest daughter . I have never really considered it a true handicap because putting things in perspective there are far worse things in this life . You learn to adapt to your quiet world and actually come to enjoy the peacefulness of less sound . I have learned to see the humour in many situations when I have heard the wrong word . Believe me when I say that missing that one consonant in a word can get you in a ton of trouble sometimes . Over the years my television has its closed caption on everyday and music is all new to me with my headset and CD player . My audiologist finally convinced me that with the advent of digital sound I should upgrade my old hearing aid . Today I did that . I am hearing the beeps on my microwave . I heard someone knocking on my father's apartment door through my telephone . I hear the cat meow from another room . I hear the hum of the refrigerator and the whoosh of air through the heating vents . Unlike all of you when I am tired of all these things I have the option of removing this amazing piece of technology and get a good night's sleep . Yep , I am the lucky one .

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

The Colour Purple



I am not good with colours . When I dress it is monochromatically . From Friday after Friday of watching What Not To Wear I have learned that I am far too matchy matchy . Boring beige is my middle name . So when my oldest daughter told me that purple and orange went together I thought she was losing her sense of style . One day old cranky ass sat on my bathroom mat and I saw the road to colour freedom . Orange and purple do match . All hail King Redford .

Monday, February 19, 2007

Miracle Whip On 34th Street

Okay so it was really low fat mayonnaise and there was no 34th street . Let me explain . My sister ( God bless her ) is always looking for new ways and products to help our skin look 12 again . The other day she sent me this homemade recipe to eliminate the crows that are blatantly strutting around our eye area . It calls for Kraft Miracle Whip slathered over your face , left on for 10 minutes , then you massage it in small circles and it exfoliates and , according to her , leaves you with younger , glowing skin . Last night I gave it a try . I subsituted low fat mayo for the original KMW and followed her instructions . No sooner had I done the deed when Karma followed her nose . Strong on the scent of vinegar , she spotted me , jumped up and washed me down like a macaroni salad . Feeling like a dog buffet , I went to the sink and decided that dog drool and mayo did nothing for my complexion . In fact , I looked like I had been in the Dominican for a month without sunscreen. I mean ruby RED ! Panicing , I called my sister who insisted that my skin was called glowing and not red . I had another word for it - irritated . In between her laughter she said and I quote " .. so I suppose this means you are not interested in the mashed banana moisturizing mask ? " I have decided to eat my food and not wear it .

Sunday, February 18, 2007

La Creme de la Creme


I only met him once but he was warm and funny and made me feel welcome . He is our very own Milky who had a birthday recently and never told his virtual family . If you ever have the time to peruse our Milkman's site you will find a wealth of photography that will portray the many talents of this man . So hope you had a wonderful day my friend ....dam I am getting so nice in my old age .

Friday, February 16, 2007

The 4 Way Top

If you read my last post on nautical fashion you will know I mentioned my friend's 4 way top . It is not easy to describe this but I am going to try to give you the visual . First think of a famous designer lost in the jungles of Africa who decides to make a fortune on a unique top for women who spill a lot . The famous 4 way is sleeveless for simplicity because most women do not have 4 arms.. although most men have 8 hands. One side of it has a leopard pattern and the back is zebra striped . Okay so you spill your Bloody Mary and the 8 handed man turfs his brew on your backside ..no problem . You run to the can , turn the top inside out and ..voila .. one side is now titillating tiger and the other is a come hither cheetah .The What Not To Wear staff would love this one. Gives whole new meaning to the term - cougar on the prowl .

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Anchors Away

I don't care . I don't care that the nautical theme is back again for spring in women's fashion. Why do designers think that all women want to look like sailors the moment the ice breaks . It's not that I do not appreciate navy and white . I do . I learned a long time ago that horizontal stripes belong in Alcatraz and anchors should be dumped in the ocean and not on our bodies .Which brings to mind a friend of mine ( and she knows who she is ) who has a cute little seersucker capri outfit with cute little anchors and cute little stripes . Her loving sister gives her all her old designer clothing . Some of it is hot and some it should have sank with the Titanic .When I saw her in the sailor gear I wanted to yell *woman overboard * , batten down the hatches and throw her a buoy . Instead I navigated her into a safe port - the What Not To Wear show . We watch it religiously hoping against hope that we never see dynasty shoulders again or dolman sleeves . No sooner had I got her out of high waisted , straight leg jeans when the denim-demi gods brought them back again . Being in style is hard work ..I am out when in is in and in when in is out . I am currently working on my sailor girl's leopard in heat jungle look . She has this 4 way top ..but that's a entirely new post.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

I Just Called To Say...


.....I love you ! Happy Valentines Day N@tland .
XOXO Ma

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Willy

Willy is not a weasel nor any part of NGB'S anatomy . Willy is a Jack Russell Terrier belonging to a friend of mine at dog obedience class . He is the cutest little guy and reminds me of a minature billy goat . His owner says he is really bad but as most dog owners know bad ususally means very active as most terriers are . In fact , the Great Dane in our class would make a better apartment dog than Willy would . I always loved the JRT on Frasier . Eddie ( or Moose ) was a rag to riches story and lived to the ripe old age of 16 . Dogs never know how big or small they are ...what age or colour . Means nothing to them if they have a fancy pedigree or a Paris Hilton collar. They just ARE ... and they accept . We can learn so much about being human from them .

Monday, February 12, 2007

Monday Reinactment


Ma : " Karmaaaaaa...... ..time for doggy class . "
Karma : " ..drat ..that woman ..... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. "

Stop Eating Poop

..and we have a winner ! Our own loveable CQ has won an all sexpenses paid trip with NGB to the carribbean ( ..so think positive ) . S.E.P. stands for STOP EATING POOP . I did not even know what that product was until yesterday and let me say upfront that it is not my sweet Karma who is doing the nasty but her- poo breathed brother True ( that's true ) .You could say he likes to clean up after himself . My daughter sprinkles S.E.P. , a holistic supplement on his food , in hopes that it will cure him of his outside eating habits . Sweet little Karma in all her innocence , has more of a tasteful preference for feline chocolates to her own .

Clue # 1

S.E.P. is doggy related . See post below if you dont get this ...and where are my lurkers ??

Sunday, February 11, 2007

S.E.P.

This is a test . Who of you out there knows what those initials stand for ? Winner wins an all sexpenses paid trip to the DR ( stands for what ? ) with NGB ( stands for what ? ) .
M.H.
PS. RSVP ASAP

Friday, February 09, 2007

49er


Happy Belated Birthday to my Bobbycakes ! May you have a happy and successful year before you hit the home . Because I think you are sweeter than sponge candy , I have taken the liberty of sending a picture of you in your birthday suit , slightly air brushed , to the pro -aging Dove campaign for males in media .
49 candles and counting ....

Monday, February 05, 2007

Nasty Black Cocker

Now that I have your attention , I do not mean a late night movie . I am referring to the nasty black cocker spaniel that Karma and I followed during dog obedience tonight. The little instigator was constantly turning around and snarling at us . Karma is very laid back for a shepherd although I showed my teeth a couple of times to the little floppy eared monster . The owner of said nasty cocker decided to move to another area instead of doing a correction to the mutt making it seem like we had bad doggy odour . Aside from that , it was our lucky night as there were plenty of down commands and Karma just loves to lay down and catch a few winks . She is fast asleep now in doggy dreamland as I type this . I really have nothing against spaniels . I have known some really nice ones . If I had a cocker I would probably call it Joe ... Joe Cocker . .. Bonus . Nobody had to poop and scoop tonight .

Friday, February 02, 2007

These Crocs Are Made For Walking


..and that's just what they'll do . So if you actually READ my posts instead of just looking at the pictures , you will recall my take on Elton's Crocodile Rock song .The local foot doctor suggested I buy myself some crocs and use them as slippers because apparently , unlike the rest of me , my feet are flat and sans a proper arch . Although I feel like I have Daisy Duck feet , I have to tell you that these things are fugly but awesome . There were tons of colours but I bought the ones that matched my skin tone ..kind of a bronzed Barbie Big foot . They look heavy but are lightweight and they don't slip on hardwood . I LOVE my crocs ..are you ready crocs ? Start walkin'......

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Having a Sit Fit

Monday night we had doggy class again . After the initial tail wagging was over with , we got on the runway and strutted our stuff. This time we were behind the St . Bernard's butt . I couldn't help but notice that his owner and him had a few similiarites . The man had a broad face , a wide butt , and big paws ...I mean hands . This might give credence to the theory that pets end up resembling their owners . Another lady waddled just like her black lab and the terrier owner had spikey hair . Maybe there is something to this . Sometimes I do wear black and tan and I like my belly rubbed when I have hives . As we continued through our paces , Karma got her usual "let's have a little nap thing" going again. I looked at how she was sitting , then I looked at how all the other dogs were sitting . She has this habit of sitting on her hind end with her back legs spread . Could this be it ? Am I unconsiously giving her some bad example on how to sit like a proper lady ? When we got home I looked in the mirror and just for a second I thought my ears were beginning to stand up . For the rest of the week we will practise our sits with our legs crossed .

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Getting Lei..ed





The names and faces have been changed to protect the innocent and aged who are now under the B.P.P. ( Birthday Protection Program ) . Let it be known that Cherylitta Snodgrass recently hulaed her way through a milestone birthday . At the weekend luau , the birthday girl was waikiking her back porch off to the tune of Tiny Bubbles . Cherylitta was last seen with a wolf like dog hanging from her hula honkers . If you have seen this wanton woman, keep it to yourself or dial Don Ho for assistance.
She was last seen shaking her booty and singing..." Hau'oli La Hanau to me ".


...I am so bad sometimes .

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

* You Must Have Been a Beautiful Baby *



..cause baby , look at you now . My german hausfraus is growing fast . At obedience class last night my little lazy bones wanted to have a nap twice instead of sitting and heeling ....why train without treats when you can be snoozin', right ? True , always the big brother , whines for his sister and looks back to see if she is behaving like a lady . When my daughter and I enter the hall , we must act like strangers and keep the dogs apart because they we would turn it into one big bow wow play party . Karma and I follow a Great Dane's behind which makes us both feel like we are Lilliputians . Everything smelled fine until the Basset decided to do his business on the doggie runway . Even Karma wanted a gas mask .
*..you must have been a beautiful child , you must have drove the other dogs wild , cause baby , look at you now .*

Monday, January 22, 2007

Monday Monday

That was one of my favourite Mamas and Papas songs of the sixties . Now only Michelle Phillips is left from the original group with the passing of Denny Doherty . All those songs take me back to a simpler more innocent time in my life . Who could forget *words of love so soft and tender * , *dream a little dream of me *, *dedicated to the one I love * or the paraody of themselves *creeque alley * ....The time I grew up in was a unique musical era of the Beatles and the Rolling Stones , Sonny and Cher , Simon and Garfunkel , and Mama Cass Elliot , whose voice was the cornerstone of that band . Denny was a guy from the Martimes who became a part of one of America's greatest folk rock bands of that generation . I have their greatest hits cd and can go California Dreaming anytime I want . Music is forever .

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Chicken Soup Plzzzzzzzz

I do not do sick well . I cannot lie in bed all day drowning in my sorrows . Besides , I have my Karma responsiblity now which gets me up and about whether I want to or not . Of course I have logged onto my own site for a little online sympathy ...plus the fact I am bored silly , which is up a few degrees from my normal silly. I will not go into my symptons except to say I am feeling crappy with the emphasis on the first 4 letters . I did walk the dog this morning and wondered why there is no patent for a personal porta potty for dog walking sickos like me . Maybe something like a discreet umbrella like thing that whooshes up and lets you do your business while still maintaining your modesty .Heated would be nice .Something like an ice hut but for the immodium challenged .I am resting , drinking my fluids , keeping warm in Karma's fur and watching The View gossip ladies . I would still take Rosie over The Donald any day. Today they were discussing the way some of the hopeful kids were treated on last night's American Idol and I must agree that the show has resorted to some low levels when they diss some of these kids. I wonder why they pick the worst instead of the moderately good for these audition shows ..oh right ..ratings . To me when I see the judges ridicule of young people it just makes them look like shallow excuses for human beings . Although William Hung did not seem to mind the adverse publicity .Well ,enough of my senseless ramblings and if you are reading this you have the time to post me a get well note . Excuuuuuse me but I have to runnnnnnnnnnnnn............

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Old Cranky Ass




Monday my cat Redford went to the animal hospital for what is termed a senior citizen check up . Like most pets, this is not one of his favourite places to spend the day . After all this is the place that had declawed and deballed him as a kitten. When he goes , it is a major undercover operation . We never mention the word *vet * or act like scooping out his poop and bagging it is anything out of the ordinary . I learned years ago to keep his kennel out of sight or he will vanish quicker than you can say Garfield. One time , I had to actually call and cancel his appointment because he was no where to be found . To this day I still could not tell you where his hiding place was . I can still hear the snickering of the staff when they knew Redford had once again pulled off the hide and seek game and I was the loser . Having lost this game several times, I have resorted to some underhanded trickery of my own . I throw a few treats into a bathroom and when he goes for them I lock him in , and then and only then , do I get his kennel . When I am ready , I put him inside as fast as I can while he meows profanities and gives me dirty looks . Once we are are in the building , he knows I have won this round and he turns his back to everybody but just before he does I get one last look of disdain and then I leave him in their capable hands. Redford is one tough cat cookie . He has lorded over not one but two german shepherds . Later that day I returned for my sweet orange boy . When the vet entered the waiting room I asked him " so how is old cranky ass today ?" .. and he replied " well , I am just fine and yourself ? " At that moment I think my face was redder than Redford . We made it safely home without any spraying in the car . Redford surveyed his kingdom and demanded a Fancy Feast for all that he had endured . The kennel was hidden for another year and as for old cranky ass ..he is in tip top shape for an old guy . All he needed was his anal glands emptied .( Redford not the vet . )

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Crocodile Rock

I remember when my feet were young
Me and my toes had so much fun
Painting nails and stepping stones
Now the foot doctor says I need an arch of my own
But the biggest kick I ever got
Was when he said go out and buy some crocs
Now I won't be flat on my feet no more
Hopping and a bopping ,my feet aren't sore
You may think my crocs are rocking
But the bill I paid was way more shocking.
Learning fast as I paid the fee
Walking barefoot is money free .

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Woofercize


Karma and True went to obedience class on Monday night . They have been upgraded already from puppy class to novice as they know most of the doggy basics -sit ,stay , down and are very well socialized with other people and pets .We have to fine tune our leash walking and we are well on our way to becoming well -behaved canine citizens . We circled around the room with our respective puppies as my father watched with amusement from the sidelines . I had a flashback to another time in the same building with another shepherd not so long ago. A quiet moment of deja vu . I am sure Dakota would be proud of the young dogs following in her paw prints and her benevolent spirit will be with us watching over their progress in the weeks ahead .

Monday, January 08, 2007

BOOM


Last Monday my head felt something like that . On a bright note Ralph was visiting some other party goers and I was able to sleep my good times away. Big head and all , it was well worth the celebration of a new year .One thing I learned ..alcohol can make white people dance and I had one of the best times I never remembered with you.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Dancing With The Stars



My Dad and Martha are the creme de la creme when it comes to dancing . They jitterbugged , twisted , jived ,waltzed , and tangoed to the midnight hour ...and could show us young pups a thing or two about having a good time . I wanna be just like them when I grow up .

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun








..and we did ! It was raining men and wine and the night was young ( and we lied about our age .) Questions still left unanswered : Who is that handsome hunk with CQ and where is his left hand ? Who ended up with my vintage bow tie by nights end ? Why does my friend's eyes match her hair ? ..and most importantly ..what happened to the La Senza lady ?

Friday, January 05, 2007

Everything Old is New Again




New Years Eve 1979 : Wearing black , dutch boy hair cut , trendy bow tie , newly made friend natural red head .

New Years Eve 2006 :Wearing black , hussy hair cut , same vintage bow tie , old friend *natural* red head .

It's been 27 years and I still cannot hold my booze . I have never been much of a drinker so when it hits me it's hit me good . As most of N@land knows CQ surprised me and we were all so happy that she made that choice for herself . As you can see I have kept my Playboy satin bow tie all of these years and it was funny to reinact that pose . I might just put the bow on Ebay and hope JB and CQ bid on it for my retirement . Stay tuned for more high and I do mean HIGH lights on my Happy Hicuppy Boozy Floozy New Year !

Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy Hangover

This site is temporarily shut down until Ma recovers . Please do not post too loudly.