Is Your Bum Real ?

As promised yesterday , the naked facts that will shock you and force you to ask the question "Is your bum real ? " . My two accomplices , my father and his lady , began our espionage mission into corporate Wallyworld and managed to take these revealing photos in the women's undergarment section . Trying not to look like a panty perv , I held up the incriminating evidence for our surveillance camera . Why the fashion industry would want women to have more junk in their trunk is beyond reason and an insult to the dedicated ladies who workout everyday and sweat cinching their glutes for firm , well rounded JLo tushes . It was noted that the simulated crack line exceeded normal human expectations . You will never look at buttocks the same again .
Today as you go about your daily routine and converse with your co workers and friends , I urge you to ask this question ...
"Is your bum real ? "

My Secret Mission

For months now I have been involved in a secret mission of ASStronomical proportions . All will be revealed in a startling expose in tomorrow's post. Be prepared to be shocked at the ASStounding facts that will change the way you see the world and corporate America .
Stay tuned .

Jack

His name was Jack . Jack Russell to be exact . He was short and stout , muscular, spotted and hung like a bull dog . Quite obviously not neutered . You had to notice him right away . He was just one those short little dogs that made you wonder how they even walked carrying that heavy weight between their back legs . He marched in like he owned the room . He had a black leather muzzle over his snout and we wondered if he was into a little S & M on the side ... schutzhund & milkbone . His owners clarified the fact that Jack was a consistent biter of both people and pets and he was there for a little socialization and turnaround . There were a few cutesy wootsy poodles in the class that were impressed by the tough guy in black leather. Karma got a little fidgety . She knew it was the final day of her fertility cycle and her last chance to give me grandpuppies . I knew that people loved Cockapoos and Labradoodles but what would I do with eight squirming German Jacks ? How could I find good homes for puppies in leather chaps ? No way . Karma knew I was serious on this point . As the class ended I could have sworn she woofed under her doggy breath that I was ruining her romantic life and that size should never matter . Whatever.

Where The Boys Are

Karma wears her most titillating outfit to doggy class tonight .

Jesus Take the Wheel

All I have today .

Sunshine , Lollipops , and Rainbows

You ever notice how a change in the weather changes people's moods . Today is going to be 19 and this weekend a high of 20 C . I was up and about early this morning and seems like everybody was wearing a smile .... including me . I met this cheery little French man at the Walmart check out line . I had let him ahead of me because he had but one item . You would have thought I had saved his life . He proceeded to tell me how ham was so much less expensive in Quebec and he bought a huge box of macaroni for next to nothing over the border . When he left he wished me a wonderful weekend and I did the same . The cashier asked how warm it was out and wished she was outside enjoying the sunshine . Bikes and skipping ropes are back . Kids are playing ball in the driveways . Parents are raking yards for the second time . Then I came home and turned on the weather channel . Snow in Calgary . Say it ain't so .

Sayanara Sanjaya

Thank you America !

Waiting for Our Bobbycakes in the Dominican

Remember to pack your sunblock .

"Hot Diggity , Dog Ziggity "

"... Boom what you do to me , it's so new to me . " Karma and I sashayed into the room , one of us in heat . Our dog obedience class was in session . It seemed like all eyes were on us , that somehow the dogs and their respective owners knew Karma was "that way ". I had my trusty paper towels in my jean pocket , ready for any sign of embarrassment on my part . We walked the runway like old pros . It wasn't long before Karma was batting her dog lashes at a gorgeous red Irish Setter . One sniff and we discovered she was nothing but a bitch , so we moved on . When Karma began sitting like a slut , I was wishing I had spent the thirty bucks on the pink , ruffled pull ups for dogs in season. Even the eight cupped black lace push up might have hid the obvious . And black net stockings on her beautifully tanned legs ... all four of them. My thoughts were crazy with fantasy clothing for the call of the wild . Then their brown eyes met across a crowded room . Some enchanted evening . A shiny black stud of a Labrador . Was it me or was my dog swaying her hips just a little too much for public dog decency ? The class was ending . I ran out dragging Mae West behind me . You know the old saying ...once you go black lab you never go back .
To be continued ...

With Apologies to Bing

I'm dreaming of a green springtime
Just like the weeds I use to know
Where the the dogs are pissin'
And children listen
To hear crickets in the meadow .

I'm dreaming of a green springtime
With every post I'm gettin' mean
May all your days be sunny and serene
And may all your springtime days be green.

I'm dreaming of a green springtime
I'm tired of this snooo000w.

Where the #@*% is spring ?

Pet Show

Some friends of mine took in a pet show in Mississauga over the weekend and send me these pictures of some dogs that were there . I would like to share them with all the dog lovers in
N@land ....and I know there are quite a few of us . See if you can guess the breeds .

"It's the Time of the Season ..."

...for loving . " My little girl became a woman over the weekend . Not N@ ... my puppy is in her first heat . Karma is in season , ready to mate , reproduce , cycle of Proestrus , puberty , wag the tail ..whatever you care to call it . Apparently , a dog cycle lasts for 21 days twice a year . Whew . I have decided to delay her spaying not because I plan to have a litter but because the breeder suggests that a year to 15 months is a better option in order for her to develop her sexual hormones for female physical appearance and maturity . Karma is mentally and physically like a 9 year old girl right now . Not only that but there are facts pro and con that early spaying may lead to early incontinence in dogs . So far , it is no big deal . No male dogs are jumping over my fence , humping trees in the back yard or staring at us with lovesick eyes through the patio door. I start obedience class again next Monday night but the trainer told me not to worry about anything getting out of control . I am having these visions of a dog orgy and it being all my fault . She suggested a trip to the pet store to check out some dog Kotex. Excuse me . There is no way I am walking into that class with pink ruffled flowered doggy pull ups on my German Shepherd's hind end and that's final . A roll of paper towels will do just fine ...thank you very much . Love is in the air .

Somebunny Loves You

These are bunnies up for adoption at the Timmins and District Humane Society . It brought to mind how well meaning people give live pets as gifts and how most of them end up in shelters such as this one . Rabbits can live up to 12 years or more , chew a lot and need to be spayed and neutered . Care and maintenance is every day . Cute chicks grow quickly into fat hens and cranky roosters . ( I can hear Bobbycakes now ...) Ducklings belong on Old MacDonald's farm . Get my point people.
Any pet is a major responsibility and a commitment that requires daily dedication . If you wanna see farm animals go to a farm and if you wanna see exotic pets go to a zoo .It's easier and cheaper . If you need a wabbit for the kid ..go to Wallyworld and buy a stuffed toy . End of sermon . Happy Easter Monday .

This One's for the Girls

Eat your chocolate out Willy Wonka .

Good Friday

Easter weekend will be a quiet one for most of the north as we cocoon ourselves from the final blasts of winter weather. The roads are treacherous and even the dog prefers to watch the white world from the warmth of the indoors , content to nap and lay by my side.
Warmer weather and sunshine is predicted by Monday . Hope . Promise . Blessings. Renewal . Resurrection . Not such a bad weekend after all . Happy Easter everyone.

April 5, 2007

The morning after the day before .
You just cannot fool around with Mother Nature . Our April storm left us with over 20 cm of snow and more to come tonight. Wind gusts and poor visibility closed all highways leading in and out of the city . Airlines and buses never left for their destinations . The city of Timmins was virtually landlocked .
This wintry reminder will continue all Easter weekend . We have more snow than we had in the months of January , February and March of this year . One consolation for me is that for this storm I am not high in the clouds somewhere over Toronto...........and it's good COFFEE weather . Drive safely.

Spring Snow

April fooled again by old man winter . We are being belted with snow this morning as I type and spring is once again put back on the shelf for another day . It is currently minus 13 with the wind chill and we are expecting 20 cm of white stuff . The red warning is on the weather channel . Gusting winds and low visibility . Lovely . It happens every year in the north but we never seem to get used to it . We pack away our boots and coats , put away the shovels , take off our snow tires and check our spring wardrobe out . We have our summer chairs on our decks and clean our barbeques only to find them buried in the dreaded snow again . Happens every year . Reality check . It is not a tsunami and I am not homeless . It is not a fire out of control or a hurricane blowing my roof off . Just a little snow that's gonna melt . Okay I feel better .

My Paper Shredder

Paper boxes . Newspapers . Kleenex . Toilet paper . Bounce dryer paper. Magazine pages . Loose leaf paper . Paper towels . Paper bags . Wrapping paper . Paper cups. If it is made of paper then Karma will make sure it is shredded faster than any mechanical paper shredder I have seen . Although I have tried my best to catch her in the act before she spies her paper treasure , she always manages to do the dastardly deed leaving behind a trail of paper bits and pieces down the hallway within seconds . Her head is always in a paper basket somewhere sniffing for her loot . I am hoping this is just a stage she is going through and not a life long paper fetish. One night she ran to the door to greet a guest . Happy , tail waggin' , lovable Karma with a used panty liner stuck to her forehead . I wish I had my camera for that embarrassing moment . I just have to think on the bright side ...that Karma is doing her part for the environmental waste problem .

Belly Fulla Nelly

I have just about had enough of Nelly Furtado as my gut can take after watching her soar over the Juno awards like a disorientated raven ( see post below ) . I don't know what it is that I don't like about her . I just don't . It could be that her upper lip is a little too close to her nose for my liking . I am sure she did not mean her top selling song as an inspirational tune for "promiscuous " girls . Sorry Nelly , you just annoy me .... and why in Saskatoonie did you not wear a warm coat in your opening interview . This is not L.A. baby. One a positive note ( and not a musical one ) , you did make me laugh in your skit with Michael Booby.

Ravens

The are always the first birds I see on my morning walks with Karma . She wants to chase them but I pull her back as we continue along the pavement . The ravens circle in the gray clouds tormenting us with their endless screeching to one another . They grovel in the grass and pick about the garbage in a black madness to have the first deteriorating morsel . They hunt to feed and find a nesting partner . They sit on the hydro poles and hover in the trees watching us like we are their prey for the day . They stare at us with hungry eyes ...ebony masters of the street . I once saw them clean a dead squirrel off the pavement like it had never existed . Ravens are known for their intelligence and size . These scavengers of the sky have been around for thousands of years . Is it any wonder Edgar Allan Poe immortalized them in a poem . Karma and I hurry our pace as the drizzle begins and I think aloud .."where are the happy birds of spring ... the robins , sparrows and wild canaries ? "
"Quoth the raven ,'Nevermore '."
Happy April First !