Sunday, November 19, 2006

The Secret to Health & Vitality

Sitting here with my coffee , Karma by my side switching channels on a lazy snowy Sunday morning . I began to watch two well dressed men praise the virtues of the Almighty cleansing and I figured what the hell a few words of religious wisdom never hurt anyone . We are all sinners and our bodies are toxic and need to be drained and cleansed at least 3 times a day after each meal......UH ?..I was expecting a few words of salvation when I came to the conclusion that not all sinners pass 10 foot stools like long black rubber hoses with little or no cramping or gurgling .Yep it was an infomercial for colon cleansing .Apparently we are jammed packed full of living parasites,some up to 10 feet of Loch Ness tapeworms . We will all feel a lot lighter and better without 10 pounds of fecal matter sitting in our bloated intestines every day of our lives .Dr. Danny proudly stated that being fecal free will cure depression ,cancer,allergies ,joint pain ,acne ,increase energy levels and a host of colon cleansing attributes including a sexual libido that would make a porn star blush. Damn and all this time I am having Fibre1 cereal and fresh fruit for breakfast when I should be on my own poop vacuuming mission of mercy .Medical doctors advise against this drastic method of ripping our insides out but Dr.Danny said that he should know the real facts because he has worked in a health food store for almost six years now and that $89.99 plus shipping and handling was a small price to pay for feeling as wonderful and nice smelling as he did .He almost had me convinced that I needed to be saved until the distinct odour of a passing fart brought me to my senses and I let Karma out for a doggie doo. I came to the conclusion that Dr. Danny ,despite his best efforts , was still full of it .

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

What a load of crap!
Ma, you are wise beyond your years, realizing that the TV hucksters were handing you a pantload.
There is so much irony in what they are doing, but the scariest is that hundreds of people will be clogging the lines at 1-800-BIG-DUMP to buy their crap.

Have a good Sunday.

JB said...

They're always looking for new and innovative ways to HOSE us...

Sadly, one of our radio stations makes a LOT of money by selling its Saturday mornings away to half-hour infomercial hucksters who are pushing everything from green tea to vita-meata-vegamin to colon-blowout products. I'll never forget the first time I heard this idiot selling his colon-cleanse product by bragging about his regular "10 to 12 inch long, silver dollar-diameter" expulsions.
Certainly, to 'perform' like that on a regular basis, one has to be FULL of sh*t.