I love Ellen

I have always loved Ellen from her early stand up days to her controversial coming out sitcom . She is funny and down to earth , witty and gay and happy and if I ever decided to change teams , it would be with Ellen . Her talk show is one of my favourite light moments of the day . Once I even emailed her site to tell her I was a fan and that she reminded me of my own funny kid N@ . So last night sitting in my jammies watching the Oscars I felt like Ellen's Mom and I was proud she was hosting the biggest award show of the year . She is never lewd or rude . Her suits were so her and one has to admire her flair for dancing and love of dogs . Personally I think the word gay is a great word and Ellen is a one of a kind great gay woman .

The Ice Man Cometh

This natural ice formation was found in my back yard and I wanted to share it with all of N@land . Milky will be green with envy that I captured such glacial artwork and Bobbycakes will be envious for other reasons .

My Gift

I am so lucky . For those of you who may or may not know I am a hearing impaired person and have had a hearing aid since the age of 28 . It is a heredity thing in my paternal family tree , my father , my grandmother.. and I have passed that lucky gene onto my youngest daughter . I have never really considered it a true handicap because putting things in perspective there are far worse things in this life . You learn to adapt to your quiet world and actually come to enjoy the peacefulness of less sound . I have learned to see the humour in many situations when I have heard the wrong word . Believe me when I say that missing that one consonant in a word can get you in a ton of trouble sometimes . Over the years my television has its closed caption on everyday and music is all new to me with my headset and CD player . My audiologist finally convinced me that with the advent of digital sound I should upgrade my old hearing aid . Today I did that . I am hearing the beeps on my microwave . I heard someone knocking on my father's apartment door through my telephone . I hear the cat meow from another room . I hear the hum of the refrigerator and the whoosh of air through the heating vents . Unlike all of you when I am tired of all these things I have the option of removing this amazing piece of technology and get a good night's sleep . Yep , I am the lucky one .

The Colour Purple

I am not good with colours . When I dress it is monochromatically . From Friday after Friday of watching What Not To Wear I have learned that I am far too matchy matchy . Boring beige is my middle name . So when my oldest daughter told me that purple and orange went together I thought she was losing her sense of style . One day old cranky ass sat on my bathroom mat and I saw the road to colour freedom . Orange and purple do match . All hail King Redford .

Miracle Whip On 34th Street

Okay so it was really low fat mayonnaise and there was no 34th street . Let me explain . My sister ( God bless her ) is always looking for new ways and products to help our skin look 12 again . The other day she sent me this homemade recipe to eliminate the crows that are blatantly strutting around our eye area . It calls for Kraft Miracle Whip slathered over your face , left on for 10 minutes , then you massage it in small circles and it exfoliates and , according to her , leaves you with younger , glowing skin . Last night I gave it a try . I subsituted low fat mayo for the original KMW and followed her instructions . No sooner had I done the deed when Karma followed her nose . Strong on the scent of vinegar , she spotted me , jumped up and washed me down like a macaroni salad . Feeling like a dog buffet , I went to the sink and decided that dog drool and mayo did nothing for my complexion . In fact , I looked like I had been in the Dominican for a month without sunscreen. I mean ruby RED ! Panicing , I called my sister who insisted that my skin was called glowing and not red . I had another word for it - irritated . In between her laughter she said and I quote " .. so I suppose this means you are not interested in the mashed banana moisturizing mask ? " I have decided to eat my food and not wear it .

La Creme de la Creme

I only met him once but he was warm and funny and made me feel welcome . He is our very own Milky who had a birthday recently and never told his virtual family . If you ever have the time to peruse our Milkman's site you will find a wealth of photography that will portray the many talents of this man . So hope you had a wonderful day my friend ....dam I am getting so nice in my old age .

The 4 Way Top

If you read my last post on nautical fashion you will know I mentioned my friend's 4 way top . It is not easy to describe this but I am going to try to give you the visual . First think of a famous designer lost in the jungles of Africa who decides to make a fortune on a unique top for women who spill a lot . The famous 4 way is sleeveless for simplicity because most women do not have 4 arms.. although most men have 8 hands. One side of it has a leopard pattern and the back is zebra striped . Okay so you spill your Bloody Mary and the 8 handed man turfs his brew on your backside ..no problem . You run to the can , turn the top inside out and ..voila .. one side is now titillating tiger and the other is a come hither cheetah .The What Not To Wear staff would love this one. Gives whole new meaning to the term - cougar on the prowl .

Anchors Away

I don't care . I don't care that the nautical theme is back again for spring in women's fashion. Why do designers think that all women want to look like sailors the moment the ice breaks . It's not that I do not appreciate navy and white . I do . I learned a long time ago that horizontal stripes belong in Alcatraz and anchors should be dumped in the ocean and not on our bodies .Which brings to mind a friend of mine ( and she knows who she is ) who has a cute little seersucker capri outfit with cute little anchors and cute little stripes . Her loving sister gives her all her old designer clothing . Some of it is hot and some it should have sank with the Titanic .When I saw her in the sailor gear I wanted to yell *woman overboard * , batten down the hatches and throw her a buoy . Instead I navigated her into a safe port - the What Not To Wear show . We watch it religiously hoping against hope that we never see dynasty shoulders again or dolman sleeves . No sooner had I got her out of high waisted , straight leg jeans when the denim-demi gods brought them back again . Being in style is hard work ..I am out when in is in and in when in is out . I am currently working on my sailor girl's leopard in heat jungle look . She has this 4 way top ..but that's a entirely new post.

I Just Called To Say...

.....I love you ! Happy Valentines Day N@tland .
XOXO Ma

Willy

Willy is not a weasel nor any part of NGB'S anatomy . Willy is a Jack Russell Terrier belonging to a friend of mine at dog obedience class . He is the cutest little guy and reminds me of a minature billy goat . His owner says he is really bad but as most dog owners know bad ususally means very active as most terriers are . In fact , the Great Dane in our class would make a better apartment dog than Willy would . I always loved the JRT on Frasier . Eddie ( or Moose ) was a rag to riches story and lived to the ripe old age of 16 . Dogs never know how big or small they are ...what age or colour . Means nothing to them if they have a fancy pedigree or a Paris Hilton collar. They just ARE ... and they accept . We can learn so much about being human from them .

Monday Reinactment

Ma : " Karmaaaaaa...... ..time for doggy class . "
Karma : " ..drat ..that woman ..... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. "

Stop Eating Poop

..and we have a winner ! Our own loveable CQ has won an all sexpenses paid trip with NGB to the carribbean ( ..so think positive ) . S.E.P. stands for STOP EATING POOP . I did not even know what that product was until yesterday and let me say upfront that it is not my sweet Karma who is doing the nasty but her- poo breathed brother True ( that's true ) .You could say he likes to clean up after himself . My daughter sprinkles S.E.P. , a holistic supplement on his food , in hopes that it will cure him of his outside eating habits . Sweet little Karma in all her innocence , has more of a tasteful preference for feline chocolates to her own .

Clue # 1

S.E.P. is doggy related . See post below if you dont get this ...and where are my lurkers ??

S.E.P.

This is a test . Who of you out there knows what those initials stand for ? Winner wins an all sexpenses paid trip to the DR ( stands for what ? ) with NGB ( stands for what ? ) .
M.H.
PS. RSVP ASAP

49er

Happy Belated Birthday to my Bobbycakes ! May you have a happy and successful year before you hit the home . Because I think you are sweeter than sponge candy , I have taken the liberty of sending a picture of you in your birthday suit , slightly air brushed , to the pro -aging Dove campaign for males in media .
49 candles and counting ....

Nasty Black Cocker

Now that I have your attention , I do not mean a late night movie . I am referring to the nasty black cocker spaniel that Karma and I followed during dog obedience tonight. The little instigator was constantly turning around and snarling at us . Karma is very laid back for a shepherd although I showed my teeth a couple of times to the little floppy eared monster . The owner of said nasty cocker decided to move to another area instead of doing a correction to the mutt making it seem like we had bad doggy odour . Aside from that , it was our lucky night as there were plenty of down commands and Karma just loves to lay down and catch a few winks . She is fast asleep now in doggy dreamland as I type this . I really have nothing against spaniels . I have known some really nice ones . If I had a cocker I would probably call it Joe ... Joe Cocker . .. Bonus . Nobody had to poop and scoop tonight .

These Crocs Are Made For Walking

..and that's just what they'll do . So if you actually READ my posts instead of just looking at the pictures , you will recall my take on Elton's Crocodile Rock song .The local foot doctor suggested I buy myself some crocs and use them as slippers because apparently , unlike the rest of me , my feet are flat and sans a proper arch . Although I feel like I have Daisy Duck feet , I have to tell you that these things are fugly but awesome . There were tons of colours but I bought the ones that matched my skin tone ..kind of a bronzed Barbie Big foot . They look heavy but are lightweight and they don't slip on hardwood . I LOVE my crocs ..are you ready crocs ? Start walkin'......